I am not ready for school to begin. However, I am not really wanting to keep the summer going.
I am tired of working full time with nothing to do for half of the day. Next time I work full time, remind me to never get a job like that. It just makes me feel bad as well as making me feel like a horrible employee when my boss looks at me and I am reading or writing a blog or looking at pictures because everything is done for the day and all I can do is answer phones. It makes for a very long day, and this week has been longer than most.
School. I have a very love hate relationship... mostly hate. The love comes from the people and that is about it. Yesterday I had to deliver a package of rhinestones to the ballroom main office. I went there, no one was there (which is odd because I literally had just gotten off the phone with Linda), so I dropped them off at the dance office just down the hall. On my way back to the van I walked back down past the folk dance room. I didn't actually think I would see anyone for a few different reasons. But Lo, and behold Will Farnbach comes walking down the hall. We hugged and I decided to peek into the room to wave real fast. I thought for sure, and so did Will, that they would be busy at work rehearsing and learning dances... but we were both wrong. There was everyone, just sitting on the ground stretching and taking a break. I said high for a few minutes and then I had to leave. I got some hugs and compliments on my hair from people and I felt genuinely loved by these people. That is when I left and got into the van to drive back to work. That is when I just felt so broken.
All of the sudden thoughts of making the wrong decision to not continue on with folk dance teams came flooding into my head. I felt lonely. I felt like I had no purpose at BYU anymore. I didn't realize how much I missed it. Now that I think about it, I almost tried to avoid it with out actually trying to. I went to one rec night. I missed all three performances done by various teams (SPAC Showcase, Festival of Nations, and the PAC Covey performance). It wasn't that I tried to, I just had so much on my hands.
If I could, I would go back to my very first semester of BYU and take clogging and do a folk dance team. I wanted to but I was nervous to try out and didn't think I would make it. I would have, I'm sure. I would go back and not do so horribly in certain classes. I would have passed certain ones the first time. I would have worked harder if I had known what I would be feeling now.
Would I have traded getting married? NEVER. But it will be interesting to see what I end up doing.
2 comments:
Good luck with the decisions you make for the future. Now it isn't just your decision, but Chad's as well. I'm sure you will be guided to do the right thing for you.
I have felt for some time now that you are losing interest in dance. I hope you are able to find a spark somewhere that will fill that void you are now feeling.
I agree with Mom. The choices you make now effect Chad and your future family. But if you make them in prayer, you will be sure to make the right one. I felt the same about Women's Chorus but when it came down to it I realized that I had school classes to pass and work to focus on and I didn't have time to devote to Women's Chorus. Just evaluate what is most important to you and pray about it and you will know what is right.
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