Gratitude

I have been working on my birth story but before I finish it and post it I wanted to post about something that has been on my mind a lot the past two weeks.

With all of the craziness of having a newborn, there have been a lot of ups and downs. There are days and nights where Kathrynne won't eat or sleep and they frustrate me. They frustrate me because I am trying to do all I can to help her but sometimes it just doesn't work. I feel bad that sometimes I can't help her. I feel for her and wish there was more I could do. I cry, like any postpartum woman would, at her misery and discomfort. It can get really hard for me emotionally somedays.

Among all of the hard days, I have had to say goodbye to my best friend Kayla. Her and her husband have left Provo now. He will be going to medical school in the Caribbean and then they will return to the states after two years for his residency. The night that Kayla and Evan came over to say goodbye was the hardest night I had with Kathrynne, even to this day. I was up for three hours straight with her. I got maybe two hours of sleep. I was the one that woke Chad up to go to work because I had been up with Kathrynne at that point for, like I said, three hours. I was a complete wreck between the lack of sleep and dealing with the emotions of Kayla being gone now.

Chad woke up to me pretty much bawling from mostly the lack of sleep. Every time I had gotten Kathrynne to sleep and I put her down in her crib, I would go back to bed and right when I was seconds away from sleep, she would start crying again. UGH! That is how it was for most of the night. I told Chad he needed to go to work, because he needs to work. We need the financial stability you know? What young, married, college student couple doesn't need money? I told him he had to go to work over and over again and he finally got in the shower and started to get ready. As he was finishing up I just broke down and knew I needed him. I went into the bathroom as he was cleaning his ears (which he does religiously, might I add, putting me in the habit as well) and with tears streaming down my face said, "I need you."

He asked me if I wanted him to stay all day or go in late. I just told him that I didn't know. "All I know is that I need you today." All said bawling. It was the worst night ever, did I mention that? Chad took Kathrynne from me and sent me to bed. He gave her a bottle and she ended up being able to go to sleep.

This all happened just before 5:30am. I woke up around 9:30 or 10:00am. There was not a single cry, sniffle, or sound in the house. I jumped out of bed and went looking for Chad and Kathrynne. They were not in the nursery so I kept going down the hall. As I got closer to the living room I saw Chad on the couch and then I noticed Kathrynne in her swing. They were both sound asleep. I went and changed then joined them in the living room. I sat on our love seat just looking at these two wonderful people and was filled with absolute love.

Then, I was overcome with an overwhelming amount of gratitude. Looking at Chad cuddled up under the blanket I made him for Christmas back in 2012, I realized that I really needed to go through the night I had. Yes, we had a few really good nights with her but at that point it was touch and go for a few days. I had a very good night with Kathrynne the night before, but I was having a hard time seeing that same blessed attitude I had felt then.

Everyone had been saying that your emotions and hormones are completely out of whack during postpartum but I had been feeling pretty great. I still am, however I still am a bawl baby with certain things, spiritual things in particular. So as I was looking at Chad asleep on the couch, overwhelmed with the Spirit, I started to cry. Later that day I had a very serious heart to heart with the Lord as I was holding Kathrynne. She was fighting sleep with all her might and she caught my eye. We stared at one another and I pretty much feel like I had a whopping from the Lord at that point.

During the bad night, I had been feeling like I was inadequate. I didn't think that I was actually made for being a mother. I felt like I was a complete failure because I couldn't get my daughter to sleep. She wouldn't eat from me and so I had to give her a bottle and I really didn't want to. I knew that was stupid to think that way but I couldn't get the feelings of inadequacy out of my mind, making me cry and bawl even more as Kathrynne wouldn't sleep.

There is a talk from the October General Conference 2010 that President Thomas S. Monson gave called The Divine Gift of Gratitude. President Monson says something I have found to be profound.

"We have all experienced times when our focus is on what we lack rather than on our blessings."

I read that and thought, THAT WAS ME! Now, I read this today, not on the day that the above experience happened. However, the Lord let me know that I needed to really focus on the time I get to hold her and care for her, no matter the lack of sleep. My time is limited to hold her and care for her like this. There will come a time that I don't get to have my husband just take a day off because I didn't get sleep or am sick myself and can't function enough to take care of our daughter. There will come a day that I won't be needed to take care of Kathrynne, for she will be independent and able to do things on her own.

Gratitude is something that I feel gets taken advantage of. I say my thanks in my prayers but is that enough? Is just saying it when we are conversation with the Lord enough? No. To me, it can't be. We are here to just sit idly by. The gospel is actively growing and in order to grow with it we have to be active in the things we do. Showing gratitude can be so simple. It can be shown most importantly by the attitude we have. We can serve others in large or small ways. We can pray, read our scriptures, and write in journals. We can do family history work. We can dive into any calling that is extended unto us, and SO much more.

My sister Adrianne had called me this past week. We had a very great conversation. She had said something to me that struck true. She encouraged me to take some time out every day, no matter the amount of time (even if it is just two minutes) to study the gospel. Reading a few verses or some paragraphs of a talk or article that was in the Ensign. I thought a lot about that and brought it up with Chad. We have decided to start going through the General Conference talks with each other. We decided to pick one every week, read it and study it separately, then come together on Sunday and discuss it.

That is my way of starting to show more gratitude. I knew I needed to work on this aspect of my life, but I didn't really feel like I could do it. I know that is a falsehood that the adversary has put into my head. I have noticed a huge difference in my level of gratitude, and love especially, for my little girl. I have reached the point that I know that I can do this. I can be a mother. I want nothing more than to be able to take care of Kathrynne and our future children when the time comes. I want to teach them all about the gospel. I want to help them gain a testimony and personal relationship with the Savior Jesus Christ and our Father in Heaven.

Needless to say, a bad night has really been my saving grace in realizing my potential. Being gracious for this chance, no matter how hard it can get on any given day or night for that matter, is part of seeing that I am not inadequate. Chad and Kathrynne are huge blessings and I don't want to keep my focus on what or where I am lacking as a daughter, wife, and mother.

I want everyone to know how wonderful the Lord is for teaching us these little lessons. He is there for us and helps us in our times of need. We may not see it because we may not be focusing on what our blessings are, but he comes to us in so many forms and so many ways. He has come to me in the form of so many people during my life. It is my goal to become full of gratitude and to express it whenever I can no matter the circumstance.