4 Months

Kathrynne is now 4 months. I cannot believe it. I love that she was born on the 24th of the month because we share a special day of the month. She was 1 month old on Pioneer Day (July 24th), will be 5 months on my birthday, and exactly 6 months on Christmas Eve. That is pretty great. 

Now on to the update of the cute babe.

At four moths she is wearing size 2 diapers. Even though she could technically be wearing size 1 still we haven't had as many issues with leaking poop. We ran out of size 1 and had size 2 on hand. We decided to use them until we could get some size 1 diapers but we liked the fit of the size 2 and she didn't mind them. So we just went with it. 

At her wellness check she was 13 lbs 3oz (13.2 lbs) and 23 1/2 inches long. That was on the 17th. Both her and I became sick with in a few days of that appointment so we went in on the 23rd. She had lost those 3 ounces and was a flat 13 lbs. She had a horrible week because she was not eating or sleeping. I thought she was possibly teething but she definitely was not. 

We got her on some medicine for acid reflux and it is like night and day for her. She seems like she is doing much better. She is still spitting up and throwing up as much but she doesn't seem in as much pain.

Kathrynne is a strong bugger. With a bit of help she can go from sitting to standing all on her own. She pushes herself up to a standing position. She is currently kicking her little kick n' play toy. She will stop and try to roll over from her back to her stomach. She has been trying so hard lately. There was one morning last week where she rolled over from her belly to her back! I was soooo excited! She hasn't done it since. She is getting closer to going from back to belly than she is the other way around. I think that one roll was a fluke. However, I have a feeling that when she does roll over she will be crawling in no time. 

Kathrynne has been starting to sleep without being swaddled. This is huge for us. We just have to help her fall asleep by doing cuddle time with her. I am more than okay with that. 

She is an absolute doll. We went to Grand Junction on Saturday. It was a good thing we did. It gave us an opportunity to see what Kathrynne would be like during that long drive. We will be making it for Thanksgiving and we both feel so comfortable doing it. I will be sitting in the back with her to give her company and play with her when she is awake. From what we saw though, she will be sleeping through most of the drive though. She was a peach during the trip. She only had a few hard moments. It was good for us to all get away and you can tell that she is happier after seeing Evie... Oh that dog. We sure do love that dog. Evie and Kathrynne love each other. It is absolutely adorable.

Despite the moments when it is hard, Kathrynne is a happy, smily, calm baby. We love having her around and would never think about not having her in our lives. 

23

As my birthday is coming upon me soon, I have been thinking a lot about the things that I have done in my (soon to be) 23 years of life. It actually is keeping me up at the moment. (Sometimes I hate being a night owl) I have made up three lists to put things under; Gospel, Education, and Life Experience. Pretty much anything that doesn't go under the Gospel or Education lists will end up on Life Experience. Humor me as I go through my life and try to put all of my memories and experiences that have made a great impact on me these past 23 years into those three lists.

*All of these are things I have learned and taken away from certain experiences, so the education one is strictly all about school, not just learning. If it was all about learning then I wouldn't have any other lists.*

Gospel:

• Gained a testimony of:
• My Savior Jesus Christ
• My relationship with my Heavenly Father
• The Book of Mormon
• The true gospel
• The leaders of the church and how they are truly called of God
• Have had some great callings
• Relief Society instructor
• Dating class instructor
• Church History instructor
• FHE Ma
• FHE Co-Chair
• Served with my husband in a YSA ward
• and now Activity Days
• Have been through the temple to receive my own Priesthood Ordinances
• Have performed temple work for the dead
• Got sealed to the love of my life (part of those ordinances but I figured I should add that as a special one since that was a completely different experience on how I got there...)

Education:

• Went through all of my elementary and secondary schooling with good grades (Don't know how now that I think of it)
• Graduated from a wonderful high school
• Was the second graduating class from that high school (GO SKYHAWKS!)
• (Even though I won't finish...) I went to college at BYU
• Figured out how I actually learn a little too late
• Came to know that I have the passion to be a doctor after all
• Too bad it isn't what I really want from life though
• Learned all about the human body (which is something I will always remember and always brush up on. My most memorable thing about college has to do with those classes where I learned about the body I have been given.)

Life Experiences (Here is a doozy of a list... hang on people!):

• Learned that not every boy is nice (as kindergartner)
• Learned that not all teachers are like my kindergarten teacher, aka nice and compassionate (as a 1st grader)
• Learned that being the new kid in school where everyone else knows each other is hard
• Learned that horses are my soul animal 
• and that they are super hard to build out of snow; possible but hard
• Learned that life throws you curve balls and sometimes they land you in the hospital
• not a literal curve ball... although I love baseball/softball and played it around the time this lesson comes from
• Learned that I was more like my brother Ammon than I originally thought
• Thank you Spina Bifida
• Learned that even the most strict teacher wants you to do well 
• Learned that teachers that look like scary women can become a woman that you want to emulate because of how loving and understanding they are, especially when you are embarrassed
• Learned that reading is a wonderful escape 
• Thank you Mr Dhal (Witches) and Ms. Rowling (HP series) for helping me see that
• Learned that some teachers really can be just plain rude and hold up to their reputation
• But you go with it anyways because of the other kids in the class
• Learned that some boys will never stop crushing on you, all through elementary, middle school, jr high and high school, especially when you don't want them to... making it super awkward
• Learned that I was good at history and math and didn't mind doing that homework
• Learned that I LOVED the trumpet and was DANG good at it
• Went from 9th chair (I came into the class later in the term) to battle it out for 1st chair with two other boys for the rest of the year.
• Learned that I was a good singer, like my other siblings
• Learned that I valued dance over doing a play
• Learned that I had seasonal asthma, which changed my voice from a 1st Soprano to a 2nd Soprano 
• I ended up loving that change
• Learned what it meant to be a "real woman" on what should have been the best day of my life (thank you 14th birthday... on thanksgiving..... NOT!)
• Learned that I valued dance over show choir, unlike my sister
• Learned that I valued classical training for my voice MUCH better than what I had been doing prior
• Thanks goes to Mr. Bills for that one! I can never repay you for what I learned from you, not just for my singing too.
• Learned that I valued dance over a play.... again 
• Loved Little Women, but I missed dance a lot.
• Learned that I was extremely prone to getting injured around the same time of the year
• Learned that dance meant EVERYTHING to me and I would not be anywhere if it were not for the love I got from my fellow students during an extremely hard time
• Learned that I deserved better from a boy and should come before himself
• Learned that I wanted more from a relationship than just a good kisser
• I dated too many guys that didn't want to really have good conversations
• Learned that I was great with computers when given the right training
• Learned that science was my thing, not history
• I could apply it, not just analyze it
• Learned that I must have some good dance skills, better than I thought
• I got in as a Dance Ed major after all
• Learned that Folk Dance was my calling
• Learned that high school isn't life and those friendships never really last
• Learned, even after not believing it, that the friends you make in college will be forever friends
• Thanks Kayla.
• Learned that I had a lot to learn about myself 
• Learned that my desires started to change, slowly but significantly, from what I wanted my senior year of high school/freshman year of college
• Learned that there was more to life than what I thought 
• Learned that it doesn't matter what you think you want, it matters what the Lord really wants for you
• Learned that although my desire to go on a mission was good, it was not what I needed at the time
• and should NOT feel put down by what other sister missionaries were saying at the time (this was right when the age got dropped... I could have been gone a month later because I would have turned papers in the July prior to that announcement)
• Learned that there was a man that loved me and I loved him
• Learned how special the temple was
• Learned how amazing being a mother is
• and to a daughter especially

I have so much more to learn and to experience, but I would never trade my 23 years of life (more like soon to be 23) learned lessons and gains for anything. 

Here is to another 23 years PLUS! 

Sometimes...

Sometimes, I don't want to be a mom.

I love you more than life itself, but there are some days and some times that being a mom doesn't seem worth all of the frustration, anxiety, tears, irritation, ect. 

You have been trying to roll over for the past few days. My question to you is why can't you try rolling over from your back to your stomach when you are on the ground? I wouldn't even care if it was while I was changing your diaper. But when you only try and do it when I am putting your diaper on, while on the changing table, it makes me so nervous. 

Kathrynne, I know you are hungry. That is why I have a bottle ready, in my hand trying to have you see that there is food just for you. The same kind of thing happens when I know you are tired. What is so hard about just giving into the exhaustion? You know you are happier when you do so. But. You spit out your paci, won't stop wiggling your legs, and won't close your eyes. I'm trying to help you, but you must not see it so you continue to wail for quite some time.

There are those days when you just want to be held. Some days I will give in and hold you pretty much all day. However, most days I can't. I can't because I lose the feeling in my arm, hand, and fingers. On these days, you don't like being held unless you are facing out and can see everything in front of you and I. That makes mommy's back, shoulders, and arm (particularly the right, since you tend to prefer that side) ache and need serious TLC. I can't always hold you all day so I have to let you cry so I can get some relief too.

You normally are the sweetest child and love to kick around and sit in your swing while mommy folds clothes, does a bit of cleaning, and attempts (and pretty much always fails) to makes you laugh. Those small giggles. The way you put your head to the right shoulder when you smile at me. The endless kisses I get to give you. Those rare cuddles I get from you right before you fall asleep. The moment when I know you have finally fallen asleep in my arms. When you look deeply in my eyes and say thank you, when you have realized there is food in your mouth. When you rock tummy time with a smile. When you kick and kick with all your might and turn yourself around with your legs so I have to constantly readjust your position on your little kick n' play. They way you suck on your hands and fingers and drool all over yourself because of the spit bubbles you have learned to make.

Those are the moments of every day, no matter how hard, exhausting, emotional, frustrating, irritating, and so on, that make me glad I am your mom. Yes, sometimes I don't want to be a mom, but that doesn't make me ever regret being your mom. 

Sometimes, I just need to take a step back and get some time to myself to remember those precious moments I uniquely share with you every day. Those moments remind me of how much I love you and how happy I truly am. Those moments help me know that I have made the best choices for me and our family.

Sometimes: I don't want to be a mom. Most times:  I love being a mom. All the time: I love being your mom.